


bang, bang I used to shoot you down

by carlgrimeschildsoldier



Series: my baby shot me down [3]
Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Gen, Intrusive Thoughts, Sad Carl Grimes, carl and michonne, discussions of previous character deaths, mentions of vomit not descriptive, overall not happy, vaguely suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-09
Updated: 2017-03-09
Packaged: 2018-10-01 14:42:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10192223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carlgrimeschildsoldier/pseuds/carlgrimeschildsoldier
Summary: what would have happened if carl had been able to shoot rick in season 4 episode 9?





	

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going to have to start using a different part of the song after this lol but anyway I hope you enjoy! sorry for any mistakes! (I've started to use Grammarly to try to pick up on these mistakes lol so I hope they are lesser) btw I'm an 18-year-old British female so forgive any mistakes that could be down to one of those please lol

He's running always running he can't stop something is behind him, he doesn't know what but he can sense it so he keeps running pushing through twigs, branches, bushes everything that's in his way. He hears something it sounds like his mom.

“Why can't you do anything right? You're a monster, a parasite you killed me, you killed your father. Everyone you love is dead and it's all your fault, you weren't strong enough, you are poison”

He knows it's true, everything she saying is true, but he can't stop he has to keep running, always running. He can hear his dad now too.

“You blamed me but it wasn't my fault, was it? You had the chance to shoot him but didn't take it, you were too scared. Then you couldn't even get to Judith in time walking around trying to find her but going the wrong way, you let me go into a coma you could have saved me, but you didn't because you're poison.”

He's stilling running but he can barely tell he is now he's crying too hard to even see what's in front of him, it feels like the words are ripping his soul apart and the trees are pulling him apart. He still runs.he can't stop he wants to so badly but he can't.

“Just give in Carl you'll be saving Daryl's life if you do, you'd only get him killed like you killed us.” they say together their voices like acid.

“I can't”

“Why not? Do you like killing those you love? It would explain a lot”

“No I just can't” he's still running barely feeling the floor beneath him, the branches smashing into him.

He's gasping for air suddenly thrown out of his dream his eyes frantically searching, for what he's not sure, barely able to take in his surroundings never mind able to work out what Daryl is saying to him.

Eventually, he can breathe properly and can hear what Daryl is saying but his heart is still beating too fast and somehow he's even more exhausted than before he went to sleep.

“Kid you had a nightmare, hey can you hear me?”

“Yeah, sorry”

“It's alright, you OK?”

“I'm fine” he mumbles unconvincingly but it's the best he can manage right now

“Wanna talk about it?”

“I… no I'm good” Carl stares at the back of the front passenger seat as he talks his mind a hundred miles away still ringing with his mom and dad's voice.

“Well if you wanna later or whatever” Daryl awkwardly offers

“Yeah thanks”

He stares at the back of the seat a little longer just trying to get the voices out of his head and think of happier memories, not that he has many. He thinks of when he found out his dad was still alive at the beginning, he can't believe that was only 2 years ago. He's changed so much he can't even recognize that kid anymore. He wishes he was still that kid, maybe then his parents would still be alive. Maybe then he wouldn't be poison.

Suddenly he decides he needs to be out of this car, it's too small and he feels like he's suffocating. He tumbles out the car, barely even landing on his feet, and goes and sits where he sat talking to Daryl last night. At some point Daryl must have moved the bodies out of sight, he thinks he should probably thank him but he doesn't have the energy to talk right now.

He's not sure how long he sits in that same spot, Daryl shooting worried glances in his direction every now and then, but he decides it's probably time to start moving.

“Hey, Daryl, we should move soon, I saw a sign for a place a while back”

“Alright.” he says already moving to grab the small bag of food.

Carl stands up, his legs still a little shaky, and moves to grab his dad's, no, his gun he needs to start thinking of it as his, his dad is dead and starts walking in the direction the map yesterday had said.

They walk silently for miles neither wanting to talk about everything they've lost or what happened last night. Carl keeps swallowing back the lump in his throat growing bigger, and on top of that, he now feels nauseous, not from lack of food for a change, just in general.

Daryl starts rummaging through the bag for something to eat and holds out some of the tin soup he found out for him.

“Here”

“Not hungry” Carl mumbles even the thought of eating right now is enough to make him feel sick crawl up his throat.

“Alright.” Daryl must have noticed carl’s reaction and decided not to push it.

They continue to walk in silence again only the slurping of Daryl eating the soup disturbing that. He throws the can to the side once he's done and Carl gets the smaller flash of a memory from when he was younger.

“Carl you know not to litter, now go pick it up,” his mom says frowning at him.

“Sorry mom I forgot and I didn't want to carry it” he hates disappointing his mom and obediently goes and picks it up.

“It's OK just don't do it again.”

He blinks the memory away, a small smile on his face until he remembers he shot her and the smile slowly drains from his face leaving a blank look behind.

“You alright?” days asked glancing at him in concern having noticed the smile draining from his face.

“Fine” Carl realized after he said it that it was pretty unconvincing “I don't wanna talk”

“Sure”

Finally, Terminus came into view, well the fence around it did, it was surrounded by trees but he could still make out the fences and the sign nearby announcing this is Terminus.

“We should watch the place for a while before going in” Carl suggested

“Alright I'm gonna look around you stay here”

“Sure”

Carl decided to sit down next to the fence, partly because he was exhausted and partly because it would make him harder to see in case someone looked his way. Daryl left walking around towards the gates making sure to keep far enough away they can't see him, which left Carl alone again.

“You're poison” his mind whispered is his dad's voice.

“I know I am but leave me alone”

That didn't seem to work and his mind continued to whisper to him anything and everything, saying how it's all his fault, he should be dead but he knew all this so it was stupid to get upset by it, didn't make it any easier to ignore but did make it easier to not react.

He sat for hours just listening to his thoughts, listening to the woods around him, and watching the camp in front of him, before he heard someone behind him, he quickly turned his gun already out before he consciously thought about grabbing it only to be faced with Michonne.

“Carl?” she questioned as if she wasn't sure it was real

“Michonne!” he jumped to his feet rushing to hug her

“Carl is anyone else here?” she asked, at least she didn't ask about his dad directly he didn't want more questions about his dad, not after dealing with his own thoughts alone for so long.

“Daryl is around”

“OK. It's so good to see you” she said bringing him into another hug he could tell this wasn't because of that but because she understood that it was only Daryl meaning his dad and Judith weren't with him.

“You too,” he said but it was pretty emotionless, he was genuinely happy to see her but he can't be happy right now not really his thoughts are still stuck on how it's still going to be his fault when they, Daryl and michonne, do die.

“... Are you OK?” she says gently pulling away from the hug

“I'm fine”

“You don't seem fine”

“Do you really blame me!? My dad's dead, my sister’s dead, my mom's dead, I had to bite a guy's throat out, I shot both my parents, how could I possibly be OK!?” he shouts, not caring how loud he was, only caring about how unfair it all is, he knows it's childish to think but he is a child, he wants to be a child anyway, he's just tired of having to be strong and push it back. His eyes are on the floor he's blinking back the angry tears he can feel growing.

“I'm so sorry Carl… before this started I had a son” his eyes snap up to hers at the confession tears still wanting to pool in them. “He was only a toddler, my boyfriend was high and a herd came in whilst I was looking for supplies, they, and mikes friend, we're dead by the time I got back.”

“My dad he turned, I had to shoot him, I couldn't… the last thing I said to him was that he was nothing and I'd be fine if he died”

“He knew you didn't mean it, Carl, you loved him and he loved you”

“I wasn't able to save anyone”

“You helped save me”

“How?” he asked his eyes desperately searching hers now he needed to know how he helped someone, he needed to know he wasn't poison

“I was lost but then Andrea brought me back, your dad did, you did”

“But how?”

“When Andre, my son died, Mike and Terry, they were high. They got bit too. I Could have stopped it. Could have killed them. But I let them turn. I made it so they couldn't bite, couldn't scratch. I tied chains around their necks. It was insane. It was sick. It felt like what I deserved, dragging them around so that I would always know. I found out that they kept me safe. They hid me. The walkers didn't see me anymore. I was just another monster. And I was. Just gone. I wasn't me. You brought me back.”

“My mom when she was dying she told me that I was strong, I was smart and I was so brave and that I was going to beat this world, that I was her sweet boy and the best thing she ever did, she told me to always do what's right, but I don't, I can't. My dad told me I was a good man before this maybe I still could be, I'm not now. I never will be now”

“Carl”

“No, I know more now, about what I'm capable of, what I can do. I'm just another monster too.” the last line came out as a whisper, he poured everything he was feeling into that last line hoping she would understand.

She gently pulled him into a hug and he knew she got what he was trying to say. That he was poison. That it's his fault. He knew this is her telling him she doesn't blame him, she loves him. So he leant his head on her shoulder and closed his eyes, a silent thank you. Thank you for understanding, for not saying it out loud, for not making me say it. Maybe they understood each other because they were both the same, or maybe because he's a child without a parent and she is a parent without a child, both looking to fill that hole inside them.

“Thank you” he quietly said as she let him pull back.

“Anytime” he understood the message behind that too, anytime he wants to talk, wants a hug, a parent she's there. He gave her a small smile, maybe everything isn't over yet maybe there is hope for him.


End file.
